I've been studying a few different books lately, including a book called "Both Things Are True" by Kate Holbrook. A chapter called "Housework is a Crucible of Discipleship" really got me thinking about how I serve God, Jesus, + my family through the mundane work performed in my home on a daily basis.

Holbrook wrote "Housework . . . can expose our buried feelings of inadequacy. This happens for multiple reasons. Maybe we don't do it well enough, or we feel frustrated because some people overcontribute in creating the housework and undercontribute in performing it." I'm looking at you - anyone who lives with other people (kids or husband) - or maybe you even live alone + can't seem to find a rhythm. I see you. I am you. Mama of 3 + wife to a man who can clean faster + deeper than any person I've ever met, but the simple daily tasks don't come as easily to him. 

These thoughts led me down a path of deep study in the scriptures to understand what we can learn about maintaining a home from Jesus. Get ready for a HUGE study - just kidding - it's literally a story in the New Testament that is 5 verses long. That's it. Everything you need to know about maintaining a home from dissecting 5 verses. These verses break down on BRIEF interaction between Mary, Martha, and Jesus - where all too often we paint Martha as the complainer and Mary as the better one because she chooses to listen to Jesus. But my multiple-months study of this short story has opened my eyes to the complexity that exists in this relationship and what we can all learn from it. Let's do it.

Luke 10:38-42 (King James Bible)

38 ¶ Now it came to pass, as they went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house.

39 And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word.

40 But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me.

41 And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:

42 But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.

V 38.

If watching "The Chosen" has taught me anything, it's that from the time Jesus took up His ministry, He was constantly accompanied by a group of people. In the beginning of this chapter, He has called the seventy + send them away teaching. The seventy return, report, and Jesus speaks privately to his disciples while in the larger group. A lawyer, trying to ensnare Jesus, asks a question, then Jesus teaches the parable of the Good Samaritan.

Immediately after this teaching it says in v39 that "they went" to Martha's home, which could mean Jesus and the twelve or potentially the whole group which would be the 70 + 12 disciples + Jesus + at least one lawyer = 84 people. Even if we consider that He had only the 12 disciples with him, that was a surprise visit for Martha from at the least 13 people. Can you imagine them showing up at your door and trying your best to be a good host? I'm not sure in my modern age of fridges, easy grocery shopping, text messages an hour before arrival, and a larger home to entertain, would be enough for me to keep my cool when receiving 13 people unannounced.

We learn from these verses that Martha is gracious. She is everything you would want in a good hostess. She willingly receives people into her home. She is welcoming and we learn that she wants to serve them the best that she can with what she has.  

V39.

We learn that Martha's sister, Mary, ALSO sat at Jesus' feet, implying she was alongside other guests who were listening to Jesus teach. This is a peculiar place, especially for a WOMAN to sit while receiving men into their home. The fact that she sits at his feet is the position of one who listens + comes to learn. It is the position of a disciple, a student, of the teacher.

 V40.

Let's look at some different definitions for what CUMBERED means when Martha was "cumbered about much serving."

Here are some ideas:

CUMBERED

• Distracted by all the preparations
• Greek root: "To pull or to draw around"
• This could be you physically dragging something around you OR you are dragged around by something
• Distracted or drawn away
• Overwhelmed with responsibility
• To overload, burden, weigh down, become over-occupied, distracted, distressed, hindered

PAUSE.

My friends. Can any of you relate to Martha in this moment? She is being pulled around, physically and mentally, in all different directions with the different responsibilities that she has. I doubt she is sitting, resting, and enjoying conversation in this moment.

When Martha comes to Jesus and says "Doest thou not care that my sister has left me to serve alone?" This implies Mary was with Martha serving, but at some point, she left. She stopped serving and began listening at His feet. I don't think this moment is Martha trying to complain to get Mary in trouble.

This is a cry for help.

I'm sure you've heard sometimes that we ask for love in the most unloving ways. This moment, Martha is overwhelmed with responsibility. When she says "dost thou not care" she feels like she is attending to all the physical needs (hunger, shelter, water, etc.) of everyone in the party. As Martha is attending to everyone else's needs, she feels that both Jesus and Mary (both of whom should know her better than most people there) are completely unaware of her needs for emotional support in that moment.

When you have felt overwhelmed with responsibility, do you always ask your husband or your kids with kindness? Do you calmly explain your needs or do you just attack, claws sharp, about the time they spend on their phone, playing games, or playing - blissfully unaware of the ways you are drowning? Do you get angry or do you express a need? What tends to be your reaction when you feel overloaded, burdened, weighed down, or distressed? What buried feelings of inadequacy show up for you in those moments?

V41.

Then comes Jesus' reply, which can seem harsh at first, but when you dive deeper, the compassion that He feels for Martha is clear. He responds with her name, repeated. Imagine in your mind the way He could have said her name twice in a row. Really think it.

1. Quiet the first time then louder the second when she didn't hear.
2. Annoyed the first time then angry the second time.
3. Really fast then slow.
4. Slow then fast.
5. Gentle and then more gentle. With a quiet exhale maybe?

I believe it was gentle - not with disappointment, but with love and looking straight into her eyes. He's letting her know that He sees her and hears her. "Martha, Martha."

Jesus tells her that she is careful and troubled about many things. Here are some other definitions for CAREFUL and TROUBLED from different translations of the Bible (I used the King James version):

• Worried and upset
• Anxious and troubled
• Worried and bothered
• Worry and fuss over all these details

Once again my friends, can you see yourself in Martha? Let's dive into these words a little more:

CAREFUL

• Greek root: Pulled in opposite directions
• Pulled by all these different things you think you should do

TROUBLED

• Confused with so many choices, activities, things to do you don't know which is most important
• Martha felt pulled by so many things she "needs" to do.
• She may have also wanted to sit at the feet of the Savior.
• She may have wanted Mary's help so that she could be finished serving faster, then she would have time to rest.
• She wanted to be like Mary, sitting at the feet but she felt she couldn't because she had so many other things to do.
• We learn that Mary may have also been pulled in MANY directions. It suggests that at one point, she was serving alongside Martha when she decided to sit at the feet of the Savior to learn.
• LISTEN UP FOR MY LADIES IN THE KITCHEN: Jesus is giving Martha permission to do the same. Stop. Slow down. Listen. Be present. It's okay.
• My advice and admonition is the same. You can slow. You can stop serving everyone, all the time, to sit at the feet of the Savior and things will be taken care of. You have permission to go to Him and focus on Him.
• I love the depiction of this in THE CHOSEN. Once Martha asks for help, and Jesus tells her it's okay to relax, he asks the disciples to go and finish serving. You may not like this answer, and you may need to let go of control a bit… but other people can do what you do and other people can help. They may not drizzle the honey right, or load the dishwasher correctly, or fold your socks the way you like… but they can do it to the point that its done.

In a society that is obsessed with roles and identities, Jesus is pointing to Martha that her most important identity is not hostess, sister, or cook. Her most important identity in this moment is disciple. You may feel pulled between call your roles and identities - wife, mother, sister, daughter, employee, friend, whatever calling in the church - those identities are important and you can do SO MUCH GOOD in them. But your most important, the one that is TRULY needful, is as a disciple of Jesus Christ.

These different definitions give us even more insight into Martha's state of mind. She is OVERLY anxious. Too worried, too troubled, and too bothered by the details. She is fussing over things that don't need to be fussed over. Is it nice to serve those in your home - yes - but not at the expensive of connecting with them while they are there.

When it comes to scripture, I often find myself thinking through different scenarios and wondering why an author decided to include something or not. Then I like to think through how the story would change if there was more information. Let me give you an example.

Why aren't there any verses of someone, maybe Jesus or Mary saying "Martha, we are famished. When will the food be ready?" or "Martha, this is taking too long. I've been waiting here for 30 minutes and nothing has been served to me. Do you even know how to host people in your home?" That may seem strange to think of scripture in that way… but seriously… why is there no mention of someone reprimanding Martha? Wouldn't that have made more sense for her to have her frustrated outburst when she asks Jesus? The scriptures show that she doesn't even go to Mary and ask in private to keep it between the two of them. Martha immediately asked Jesus to have Mary help her, in front of the whole group. That could have been uncomfortable and awkward for everyone in the room.

 So, because there is NO mention of someone saying something to Martha in the scripture, do we just assume that she asked without any provocation? It seems that no one else in this story was making it a problem, except Martha. She was the only one who seemed overly anxious and worried about the details of the evening, not the doctrine of the evening. Who was the only one who was making this a problem? Martha. Well, why then? Why make it a problem? Once again this is speculation on my part, but what if Martha was making it mean something about her? Like she wasn't a good hostess, no one would want to come back, or Jesus would be disappointed in her for letting Him down (because of some standard that Martha chose to believe Jesus expected of her). She potentially viewed it as a shortcoming of hers.

Mary, Jesus, and his disciples did not judge Martha for her choice to keep working. Who is the only person judging Martha? Martha.

But surely Martha judged Mary for choice to sit and listen over working and serving. Martha is the only one who made it a competition of some kind.

Can you see yourself in Martha? When you are overly anxious in your home, what do you make it mean about you? You're not a good wife? A good mother? Is that true?  Do you too harshly judge yourself for not meeting some standard that you've set for yourself? Do you judge everyone else in your home for not working as hard as you or caring as much about the details as you do? Do you think that they should? That's okay. Me too.

Or maybe you hear from your husband that you're not doing well enough. Maybe his frustration and anger increases when things are clutter or not well kept. Maybe he has some work to do about constantly reprimanding you because the state of the home. That doesn't seem like judgement that is his to pass. If that's the case, maybe you both need to get on the same page about what's realistic for your home, what skills you have or may need, and what systems can be set up so that everyone (himself included) is involved in the tidying and cleaning of your home. This was not all meant to be a one woman show.

V42.

I love that Jesus says that one thing is NEEDFUL. All other things are good and encouraged. When there is order, the spirit can thrive, but one is NEEDFUL. One definition of NEEDFUL is "necessary for a purpose." I believe Jesus is trying to show us that the desire to have a clean and ordered home is wonderful, even Godlike. But there is a deeper purpose that is necessary. The thing that is NEEDFUL is to listen to Jesus teachings and to follow him.

 We can learn a few things from Mary in this moment.

• Mary chose to listen and learn
• There is a time to attend to the house - a time to serve like Martha - and there is a time to stop, rest, listen, learn, and connect
• Mary chose something that was both NEEDFUL and GOOD
• Jesus does not say that she chose the BETTER part, just that good part.
• A house or temporal things could be taken away. In fact, any mother knows that the service that we render in the home can be torn to shred in moments - taken away by busy hands of a little toddler or the rowdiness of our kids and their friends.
• It's good to tend to the home. But what is NEEDFUL?
• The things that cannot be taken away. Connection with those you love, learning, knowledge, deep and meaningful connections. Those are the things that CANNOT be taken from us. That's a treasure where moths and rust cannot corrupt and thieves cannot break or steal.

 So, you may already have an idea if you tend to lean more towards a Martha or Mary personality. But for fun, let's break down the differences between Martha and Mary and what they were concerned about. 

Take a look at those lists. I believe ALL those things are needful for a healthy and joyful life. We cannot just be one or the other. One likely comes more naturally to you than the other. That's okay. That can be a gift and a super power. But any strength, when taken to the extreme, can become a weakness. So, whichever way you lean, you may need to develop some of the traits on the other side of the list.

BOTH MARTHA AND MARY

• We need to balance being both Martha and Mary. We need to learn there is a time to serve and a time to sit. A time to complete tasks, and a time to connect with people. We focus on creating an experience for someone else, but never get around to experiencing it ourselves. We need to find the balance between working and worshiping.
• If you are always in MARTHA mode, cumbered about by many things and never switching into MARY mode, you are missing that good part. That part that cannot be taken away. That part that truly makes life rich.
• Martha needs to understand she's valued not for what she does or how well she does it, but for who she is as a child of God. Her value is fixed and doesn't change.

I AM A MARTHA

I often find myself playing the role of Martha. My little perfectionist, type A, overworking, over-achiever heart and mind tells me to run and run and run in circles and get everything finished. Take on more. Do more. Be more. That I'll snuggle once dishes are done. I will eat once everyone else is fed. I'll do bedtime reading but ONLY ONE because the messy table is calling my name. I'll go on a walk once the whole house has been vacuumed. On and on and on. My list gets longer and the moments I have to be my present with those I love get shorter.

 It took me almost dying of sepsis and heart failure at 32 after the birth of my third daughter when I was FORCED to stop. I physically couldn't do what I used to. That was my wake up call. My moment where I asked myself "If it had all ended right now, if I had died in that moment, would my kids remember mom's snuggles? Would they remember bedtime and reading books? Would they remember me laughing or holding hands or cooking together?

Or would they remember that mom yelled a lot because the house was a mess? Those questions haunted me and those a moments broke me. I'm not so sure they would have remembered tenderness and connection from me. I wanted them to.

What was even more haunting was I didn't have many memories of connection. Even if my girls didn't have any memories of me at all because they were too young, I didn't have those memories with them. I don't remember slowing. I don't remember stopping to hold my babies or sing to them. I just remember rushing, running, and raging when I got overwhelmed.

I almost missed it. That good part. The part that I couldn't see because my to do list wasn't quite empty just yet. The parts I missed because I didn't know HOW to switch to Mary mode… or didn't believe that I was allowed to without a good enough excuse.

 So I'm giving you other Marthas out there permission. Possibly even pleading with you.

Please stop. Please connect. Please slow down. Even when your to do list isn't finished. There a moments to be present for and memories to be made. Connection with your family and with Jesus. You need to make space for a bit of Mary in your life. That is the one thing that is NEEDFUL.